Today I’m continuing with the next part of my journey. A big thank you for all of your kindness and support as I’m daring to share.
It really makes my heart swell to hear that I have been inspiring you, it continues to give me the courage to write about it too because it is scary to put it out there, never mind in just living it myself. ❤
… Continued from part 3 …
From Betrayal to Love
As I explored the M.E./CFS and the life time-out it was initially forcing on me I came to see the blessing, as I get the gift of learning, loving and holding myself through it. There’s a deep inner knowingness in me, this chapter is simply a step I must take in a huge and empowering life which awaits me.
With some terror and sheer desperation initially, I called on my inner wisdom to show me the way and help me to see what was really going on deep inside of me, in short what was waiting to be freed. With deep heart-based love guiding my every next step I was told that I needed to return to a state of wellness again, a loving wholeness within. The me that was, no longer had a place in my life; the me that I truly am is driving my Soul and she wants to be freed, to live through me and to live out all of our hopes and dreams together.
I didn’t really understand any of it in the beginning just meditating every day, mostly with a panic drive at first trying to listen and find the way out of this shadow which had descended so quickly, and with such intensity.
It feels as though I’ve lived my entire life walking through or witnessing one trauma or emotional life experience after another. As children we become very resilient in our surroundings and what we experience and see becomes our “norm” until we know otherwise. It is quite normal to not know that others aren’t living this way too, especially as a sensitive child whereby adrenalin-fuelled stress and underlying hypervigilance formed an anxious foundation in me which hid in plain sight, and yet went unnoticed as it grew into a silence within me. Despite knowing no difference back then as it was my ‘normal’ after all, plus I still had a loving family with me through it providing for my needs as I grew up, it was eventually bound to have an effect on me somewhere. Despite a very loving and stable upbringing in so many ways, in my life I saw a lot of childhood and later adult sickness with my relatives, with caring for them being my natural state, even living through child sexual abuse by a distant uncle myself.
From that my life would inevitably take a different turn in how I grew as a woman, lived out my teens years, showed up in my relationships and in how my sexuality was subconsciously repressed and shut down in so many ways. Layers of damaged beliefs being foundationally built into who I became as a result: Somebody who even though from the outside looked like it was all coming together, would spend her life yearning to be something else and craving external validation, to be accepted, hampered from what she knew she wanted to be, completely disconnected from herself in a prison of pain that she never knew existed, yet was indirectly running her life.
Even until a few years ago, I had a very strong and imprinted subconscious belief that I was worth less, being me, being a woman was not ok. No matter how I showed up something would always sabotage it, until eventually I stopped knowing who I was or what I wanted within, even though on the surface I had a level to maintain and a pretense to live, until that very pretense became the only ‘me’ I saw in the mirror every day, the me I detested and no longer connected with.
M.E./CFS became a metaphor for being trapped in a life which was not right for me any more. The word disease itself is so clear in explaining sickness, there is a ‘DIS’ in the body, it is ill at ease.
I went within!
I‘ve been shown the changes to make within me to change my outer life and peel away my layers to become my authentic truth, the all I know who loves unconditionally and is here to do so for a reason. It’s been a brave journey of shunning the old on every level, all the beliefs, roles, people, places, patterns and habitual behaviours which no longer fitted who I truly am and embracing an ever-changing combination of ongoing healing modalities as the process itself unfolded. The crazy thing throughout all of this life sickness, is that every part of what and who I was just flung itself wide open revealing all of my shadow and inner hurt, for it to be cleared and repackaged into life’s lessons whether I liked it or not. As such I’ve had to allow my willingness to alternative approaches to be flung wide open too. My logical side was burst open too and with my brain behaving differently now in my daily abilities, my divine wisdom poured in.
Bit by bit I’m being guided how to heal my “self” to remember its healthfulness on every level from this disease going on within. It’s not just about our physical body, it’s about healing all issues and life traumas which become trapped within the emotional and energetic bodies hiding from us and fragmented within our Soul’s journey, our spiritual sense of self. These are the things which show up disguised in our sicknesses.
That’s why there’s no quick-fix pill that can do this, I had to show up as many others are too. Together we have to show up and love ourselves through it’s lessons.
I’ve always had a gift in me hearing Divine communication and through my hands too, by means of channeling healing energy. When my hands are placed on others, it works through me to lift ailments and physical symptoms from them. I never understood it, as it automatically just worked its magic, I only had to will it with their permission to do so. After a lifetime of ignoring it, prior to 2014 I’d spent a number of years “trying” to figure it out, to understand how it should show up. I’d dabbled with different types of spiritual healing tools, meditation, doing Angel Tarot readings, even being attuned at level 1 in both Divine Empowerment and Reiki healing arenas, providing sessions for others in that way. Despite the joy of these experiences, none of this felt like ‘me’ or my pathway.
Most of the steps of the last few years have been guided through me as a Healer. Being honest, most of it made little sense at the time in relation to my health, yet they would unpick another part of the sickness and trauma being stored in my body. In achieving a harmony and balance in holding my own space, whilst road testing numerous healing gifts and Divine guidance within me, I also realised the power of asking for help again of receiving too. Eventually I was able to afford and receive additional support elsewhere through nutritional changes, Reflexology and other body work, Intuitive Coaching, Vortex Healing, Manifesting techniques and Past Life/Soul journeying.
Most patients diagnosed with M.E./CFS in the UK are automatically offered some level of pain relief and/or an antidepressant with the option of a counselling referral too. Whilst there will be some issues which can be resolved this way, it fails to recognise all of the physical symptoms, the changes in our bodies and lifestyles and what is needed to provide an environment supportive to them being able to recover over time. To me it felt like a very over-simplified viewpoint of how to support us, treating the symptoms will only provide relief on a simplistic practical level. I truly believe that pills only keep us addicted to more pills over time, they only mask on a surface level to provide some relief. Addressing what’s really working behind the scenes and showing up in the body, that is the key to it all! With a HUGE helping of loving kindness thrown in too. ❤
Taking a pill or another trip to the Dr’s is often what most people turn to in times of sickness, it’s certainly the standard being offered to many patients these days. It is not my go-to any more!
Whilst I recognise it’s about balance with traditional and alternative ways, my body is super sensitive to all of the chemical toxins in prescription meds. If I do go, it’s because I’ve had a moment of doubting, or I’ve been worn down by well-meaning loving suggestions from people around me who worry for me. In fact I did recently visit my G.P. office as I wanted to discuss a few things. As my former Doctor had left, I saw a new Doctor, with the intention to have them note on my record all of the treatments I’d been working with in the complimentary sector; however I left his office in tears, frustrated with being openly mocked, laughed at and spoken over. I showed up willing to be open, and he was so closed down, skeptical and judgemental of it all, that after 20-minutes I just didn’t have the strength or energy in me to persist or be upright in his office any longer. Other than his “it may get better” platitude in an attempt to stop me being so frustratingly tearful and upset, the time was spent with him on Google proving why this “stuff” didn’t work. I respected his way and left there more resolute as to the path I was taking, because I am seeing results.
Living and awakening to a new way, trusting my highly attuned intuitive self is often illogical, very scary and equally new to me too. I know it’s not easy for those around me to understand what I live through or for them to accept how I now approach it, as only I walk in my shoes one very shaky step at a time. I’m just so thankful for those that do stick around, as I do my best to road test this pathway, to even know how to explain it and to not be a crank with the many trips and falls along the way.
Whether I’ll be teaching others one day, guiding their recovery too or I was to simply have this experience in my life for another reason, is still not completely clear yet. What I do know is that I do have great connection and guidance now as a Healer and energy worker which both thrills and terrifies me too, because it is so potentially powerful.
Every day I’ll keep showing up, healing and empowering myself, crawling, walking, being playful, listening, praying, meditating, tuning-in and taking the guided action, as who knows what I may now bring to the World as a result.
To be continued…
❤ Beaming love and hugs to all today. ❤