Rolling into 2013 I dared to ask myself “What if???” What if I grabbed life with both hands, lived out all of the things I never did growing up and went all-out. I decided to choose living in the moment, say “yes” to everything and oh boy did I have FUN! 😉
However, eventually in true roller-coaster style what went up had to come down again (oh for sure it came down), the big drop after the great care-free climb of the ‘yeeeehaaaaaa fun’ I’d been living.
Heading into 2014, it was as if a bomb had gone off in my life. After all of the fun and frolics something in me wasn’t playing small any more! Suddenly I was faced with every part of my life crashing and everything not in alignment with what my Heart/Soul wanted for me, had to go.
(Though it’s only now, that I understand it to have been this way!)
I was awash with my life’s baggage staring at me, a lot like those Russian dolls, all unpacked in front of me and it was not a great sight! Head-on I was facing addiction, questioning my sexuality, child abuse recovery, co-dependency, heart-break, financial ruin, joblessness, pending eviction with potential homelessness and a DEEP emotional darkness in me, which threatened to take me under for ever. (And that was just the stuff I knew was affecting me back then.)
Tentatively reaching out for help again, the final few I asked closed the doors on me and I stopped asking after that.
I felt my voice leave me, watched others leave, blocked many out and became invisible. I felt deeply ashamed of my lack of achievements in life (as I saw it) and I wanted to hide forever. Yet there was nowhere to hide any more! 😦
After some very tough self-love conversations with myself, I put my big girl panties on and said “let’s do this, I’ve been through too much to quit at life now!” I dug deep, went within for the solutions and learned to listen to the Divine call in my heart and soul.
The guidance inside said it knew the ‘true me’ and wanted me to come home, I just had to be willing to take the steps. What that meant I had no idea; with my last will I took the first shaky steps anyway, one foot slowly in front of the other, I dared to face it all head on. No stone was left unturned, throughout the entire house of cards that is me. ❤
Granted I never saw sickness, with a CFS/ME diagnosis or Adrenal issues and Hyper-vigilant Nervous System damage, as part of the dream at the time; however, it would later become part of my beautiful unfolding to get me there.
If you want to learn to fly, you must have good roots first!
Fast forward three and a half shaky and tough years later of clearing and healing my roots, the wounds of my mind, body and Soul (even past lives too) and here I am! Every bit of my life, beliefs, traumas, fears, the hidden shadows, was looked at and I’ve slowly began to love myself back to life again. 🙂
I’m on the end of one very long transformation, with a great team of healers behind me now and with endless learning along the way, which has forever changed me.
Yes there’s still shreds to heal, allowing my physical health to catch up too and reflect all of the changes that have been made in my life. The patience of the last few years has taught me that it will happen, it may just be in a different time-frame than I anticipate. Ha ha 😉 . Now there’s no more hiding myself, my depth or my journey, I intend to bring it all! A dream was calling me and I knew I had to say yes and step up to co-create it. I feel many changes are around the corner, though some are only in my heart just now, I believe and expect the manifestation of many miracles to come.
It may only be baby steps or dancing on the spot as I get my strength back, but know this for sure(!), I am a force of big cuddly love who’s longing to get out into the World and experience the all it has to offer…I’m intending to be shaking things up as I go too.
I will make all of my dreams come true! (Yes I’m that determined!)
I continue to be playful, with a wickedly delicious humour, daring greatly, trusting, dancing the dance, revealing the real me, speaking my truth (whatever that means) and being a force of unique Kelly-love and hugs in the World.
Let’s see where this can go, however long it takes!
Let’s do this, one crazy step at a time. ❤